Here is an excerpt from Let’s Talk About Reactive Abuse that I want to highlight. Really read this a few times and let it sink in.
In my opinion this is at the heart of the problem. These are broken people at the core.
Can they get better? I have seen very little evidence to support real, lasting recovery. It takes rewriting the damage done to them as a child. It is however, possible.
The thing with abusers is that they are pathologically backwards people.
Lundy Bancroft touches on this in his book. Abusive, toxic people only consider and notice THEIR own feelings and their partner’s behavior. They never, EVER consider or notice their PARTNER’S FEELINGS and their own behavior.
When they’re abusive, (verbally, emotionally, sexually, physically, financially – covertly or overtly) it is always someone else’s fault. When their partner/victim finally reacts to that abuse with anger or upset at having been abused – then that is their partner/victim’s fault too.
In their minds, it never gets down to their OWN behavior and how it affects their partner’s feelings. They like to pretend that isn’t relevant, or anything they should ever be responsible for. They ALWAYS lack empathy for their partners (beyond the early “romance” stages when they’re trying to pull you in). This lack of empathy is the mark of the beast of abuse – more than anything else.
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